...but it is a process. I paid lip-service to the concept of being process oriented long-ago as a writing consultant. Yet the core of the second-lie remained intact:
The second lie: the process exists for its outcomes; to be process-oriented is ultimately to see the returns of focusing on that process.
It was no wonder that I continued to struggle with being process-oriented when, as a matter of fact, I was not process-oriented. My outcome-oriented basic assumptions had actually co-opted the idea of process-orientedness, domesticated it, and ultimately rendered it a peek-a-boo version of the same lie. Instead of being overtly focused on outcomes, I would focus on the process for a while and take an occasional peak at the outcomes.
This demon seems to appear equally in judge and victim form. In the former case, I keep intermittently doing mental checks of my work, even while I nurture the faux process-orientation. Conversely, I became dismissive of achievements that did not seem to correlate with my chosen process or came without enough suffering. In effect, this fake process-oriented attitude is worse than being strictly product-oriented ~ and I am not the least bit surprised. When you kick a demon out, it comes back with friends.
In victim-form, I located disruptions to peg my perceived under-achievement. These external factors explained and rationalized the missing achievements but, additionally, the damage done to relationships. I sustained the belief that if only the RIGHT process or circumstances were present, the desired outcomes would surface. Again, this was worse than what I began with because I too frequently attacked processes that might be natural for me and spoiled them.
While indicators are helpful, they exist for the sustainability of the process. The process exists because of natural expressions interacting – to be fully engaged in the process is to be free from the need for enduring evidence. It is not healthy to check the process against what occurs because there are too many factors at work; outcomes are for God to manage. The trick with this antidote is that I have applied process oriented methods with product oriented wishes at heart. When the desired outcomes fail, the process dies too. To celebrate life in Wi’am will be the only way to be at peace and that peace will be a greater gift than my achievement. This is another huge revelation that will take time to cement. I wondered for a moment why it had taken me this long to get here but I reminded myself of the first lie and let the matter drop. Now that I know, I have all lent and beyond to recalibrate with God's help.
We need to take a moment and connect this to a twin lie, which is that th
ere is a need for completion in every endeavor. That subject will deserve its own treatment, eventually, but I need to strike at something while the iron is hot:I thought about staring-down a bulldozer recently. There are some selfish reasons I didn't feel like being alive that day but the end itself was not selfish: it would have consummated the purpose that called me to Palestine. House demolitions. Perhaps I save someone's home for one more day. Perhaps I am crushed beneath the tread of a Caterpillar and become bad-press for Israel. Done. Complete. Perfect. Halas. ...but superior to my imperfect but continuing ministry of anti-normalization? I talked to four Methodist groups over the past two weeks ~ some people promised to put pressure on their tour company to visit MORE LOCAL PROJECTS*. My sloppy, continuing work is so much better for God's purposes than the perfect martyr's ending.
I am blessed to have shared my death-wish with my boss. He gave a knowing nod and, far from scolding or even lamenting my feelings, offered this:
"We love to celebrate life here..." <--sounds like some real process-oriented thinking. Don't just not-die... keep LIVING. ing ing ing
*as opposed to the "Stones and Bones!" tours that give plenty of chances to stick our heads in the sand...
No comments:
Post a Comment
Your thoughts?