To be excellent is definitive evidence that I am of worth, whether my achievement is superlative in degree or precision. I must be remarkable at all times. LIE
When I attended Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp, a unit director (head-counselor) once told me that "we always remember the good ones -- and *sigh* the bad ones." I replied, "Wow, it sucks to be mediocre!" He chuckled but I wish he had not. That was typical of my attitude from third-grade upward.
I have given this lie the classification of "Root/ Time & Achievement" in my mini taxonomy of lies. In the first two days of Lent, God revealed that my compulsion to play catch-up and be product oriented were stumbling blocks. That still left the question of why I was so motivated to do those things in the first place. Excellence, of course. The feeling of excellence was ubiquitous to me in my school days and fleeting ever since. It is, indeed, a long story and an old old lie in my life...
The judge-form of this demon is at work all the time, either directly or by delegation. The judge says there is something wrong if I lack aptitude, especially at anything central to my identity. The inherent worth of my every component is measured by its excellence for being noteworthy, preferably superlative. To make a long story short, my activities of late should have quenched the judge. My boss is a great man and, though he doesn't praise me daily, he has said nice things. BISHOPS love me. My family is unbelievably proud. Old friends send me encouragement. It appears that I crawled out of the hole I was in during my AmeriCorps service.
None of that had any effect because the VICTIM form of the demon had a gangster-style grip on my situation. It's pretty twisted. I am not superlative enough in my OWN MIND and I am just begging for the world to see my shame. I've failed and I'm looking for the causes. In fact, as long as I am failing at being excellent I might as well be VILE, says the victim. If I am going to constantly berate myself I might as well berate myself for something truly dark. Above all, the victim embraces the ubiquitous sense of SUCKING. This smoothes the cognitive dissonance between the compliments and my actual sense of deficit.
If all this sounds crazy that would be because *checks his notes* it is INSANE. I became a maelstrom -- I could not close my eyes without the room spinning around me. My drive to be supreme fed into all the other lies, too -- and more of them promise to surface. Yet, this is the big one: fresh-squeezed fruit-juice from Eden, ladies and gentlemen. Supremacy or bust. Recipe for the Fall.
How perfect is the rise of Christ? How appropriate is it that I ran into this lie on Ash Wednesday? From ashes I came and to ashes I will go. That does not mean I am worthless. Ashes are made of Carbon. Think of all the things God can do with something as simple as a carbon molecule. Yet, I was really brought full-circle when I stumbled across Luke Chapter 4. The temptation on the mountain has always been a favorite of mine but it took on a new lustre in light of this morning's revelation.
Jesus is tempted with three things. None of them are decadent or blood-thirsty sins. Those sins of action are derivative from the sins that hold us prisoner in our hearts. Christ is tempted first to gratify himself, last to become invincible, but in the middle to become supreme. Everyone with a high-chrisology, say it together "Jesus IS supreme".
...now He is but he did not do it with empire, as his tempter suggested. After his time on the mountain, he goes into the process of ministry -- which is not always gratifying, is a serious threat to his mortal life, and is a far-cry from the royal-line from which everyone expected their Messiah to emerge.
To bring a long-thought to a short conclusion, I believe that Jesus comes from the prophetic-line. When he was transfigured, David and Solomon were noticeably absent: it was Moses and Elijah who appeared to him.
Again, to bring long thoughts to short conclusions, I made a confession to my colleague today:
"I believe that I am for my mission and my mission is for me." I am not the 'best' missionary. It is not the 'best' mission. It is the right mission for the right missionary. As I am healed, I offer more. Symbiosis.
...and my thoughts go on and on... which is another topic. I seem to be gaining Wisdom!
Showing posts with label demons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label demons. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
The Second Lie
The overall vision for Lent will have to come-together in pieces, for you as well as for me. I know that I exchange equally with my Mission in Palestine, which is to say that I exist in symbiosis with the Call I was given. It is for me and I am for it. As I learn and become stronger I, likewise, return the investment that has been made in me...
...but it is a process. I paid lip-service to the concept of being process oriented long-ago as a writing consultant. Yet the core of the second-lie remained intact:
The second lie: the process exists for its outcomes; to be process-oriented is ultimately to see the returns of focusing on that process.
It was no wonder that I continued to struggle with being process-oriented when, as a matter of fact, I was not process-oriented. My outcome-oriented basic assumptions had actually co-opted the idea of process-orientedness, domesticated it, and ultimately rendered it a peek-a-boo version of the same lie. Instead of being overtly focused on outcomes, I would focus on the process for a while and take an occasional peak at the outcomes.
This demon seems to appear equally in judge and victim form. In the former case, I keep intermittently doing mental checks of my work, even while I nurture the faux process-orientation. Conversely, I became dismissive of achievements that did not seem to correlate with my chosen process or came without enough suffering. In effect, this fake process-oriented attitude is worse than being strictly product-oriented ~ and I am not the least bit surprised. When you kick a demon out, it comes back with friends.
In victim-form, I located disruptions to peg my perceived under-achievement. These external factors explained and rationalized the missing achievements but, additionally, the damage done to relationships. I sustained the belief that if only the RIGHT process or circumstances were present, the desired outcomes would surface. Again, this was worse than what I began with because I too frequently attacked processes that might be natural for me and spoiled them.
While indicators are helpful, they exist for the sustainability of the process. The process exists because of natural expressions interacting – to be fully engaged in the process is to be free from the need for enduring evidence. It is not healthy to check the process against what occurs because there are too many factors at work; outcomes are for God to manage. The trick with this antidote is that I have applied process oriented methods with product oriented wishes at heart. When the desired outcomes fail, the process dies too. To celebrate life in Wi’am will be the only way to be at peace and that peace will be a greater gift than my achievement. This is another huge revelation that will take time to cement. I wondered for a moment why it had taken me this long to get here but I reminded myself of the first lie and let the matter drop. Now that I know, I have all lent and beyond to recalibrate with God's help.
We need to take a moment and connect this to a twin lie, which is that th
ere is a need for completion in every endeavor. That subject will deserve its own treatment, eventually, but I need to strike at something while the iron is hot:
I thought about staring-down a bulldozer recently. There are some selfish reasons I didn't feel like being alive that day but the end itself was not selfish: it would have consummated the purpose that called me to Palestine. House demolitions. Perhaps I save someone's home for one more day. Perhaps I am crushed beneath the tread of a Caterpillar and become bad-press for Israel. Done. Complete. Perfect. Halas. ...but superior to my imperfect but continuing ministry of anti-normalization? I talked to four Methodist groups over the past two weeks ~ some people promised to put pressure on their tour company to visit MORE LOCAL PROJECTS*. My sloppy, continuing work is so much better for God's purposes than the perfect martyr's ending.
I am blessed to have shared my death-wish with my boss. He gave a knowing nod and, far from scolding or even lamenting my feelings, offered this:
"We love to celebrate life here..." <--sounds like some real process-oriented thinking. Don't just not-die... keep LIVING. ing ing ing
*as opposed to the "Stones and Bones!" tours that give plenty of chances to stick our heads in the sand...
...but it is a process. I paid lip-service to the concept of being process oriented long-ago as a writing consultant. Yet the core of the second-lie remained intact:
The second lie: the process exists for its outcomes; to be process-oriented is ultimately to see the returns of focusing on that process.
It was no wonder that I continued to struggle with being process-oriented when, as a matter of fact, I was not process-oriented. My outcome-oriented basic assumptions had actually co-opted the idea of process-orientedness, domesticated it, and ultimately rendered it a peek-a-boo version of the same lie. Instead of being overtly focused on outcomes, I would focus on the process for a while and take an occasional peak at the outcomes.
This demon seems to appear equally in judge and victim form. In the former case, I keep intermittently doing mental checks of my work, even while I nurture the faux process-orientation. Conversely, I became dismissive of achievements that did not seem to correlate with my chosen process or came without enough suffering. In effect, this fake process-oriented attitude is worse than being strictly product-oriented ~ and I am not the least bit surprised. When you kick a demon out, it comes back with friends.
In victim-form, I located disruptions to peg my perceived under-achievement. These external factors explained and rationalized the missing achievements but, additionally, the damage done to relationships. I sustained the belief that if only the RIGHT process or circumstances were present, the desired outcomes would surface. Again, this was worse than what I began with because I too frequently attacked processes that might be natural for me and spoiled them.
While indicators are helpful, they exist for the sustainability of the process. The process exists because of natural expressions interacting – to be fully engaged in the process is to be free from the need for enduring evidence. It is not healthy to check the process against what occurs because there are too many factors at work; outcomes are for God to manage. The trick with this antidote is that I have applied process oriented methods with product oriented wishes at heart. When the desired outcomes fail, the process dies too. To celebrate life in Wi’am will be the only way to be at peace and that peace will be a greater gift than my achievement. This is another huge revelation that will take time to cement. I wondered for a moment why it had taken me this long to get here but I reminded myself of the first lie and let the matter drop. Now that I know, I have all lent and beyond to recalibrate with God's help.
We need to take a moment and connect this to a twin lie, which is that th
ere is a need for completion in every endeavor. That subject will deserve its own treatment, eventually, but I need to strike at something while the iron is hot:I thought about staring-down a bulldozer recently. There are some selfish reasons I didn't feel like being alive that day but the end itself was not selfish: it would have consummated the purpose that called me to Palestine. House demolitions. Perhaps I save someone's home for one more day. Perhaps I am crushed beneath the tread of a Caterpillar and become bad-press for Israel. Done. Complete. Perfect. Halas. ...but superior to my imperfect but continuing ministry of anti-normalization? I talked to four Methodist groups over the past two weeks ~ some people promised to put pressure on their tour company to visit MORE LOCAL PROJECTS*. My sloppy, continuing work is so much better for God's purposes than the perfect martyr's ending.
I am blessed to have shared my death-wish with my boss. He gave a knowing nod and, far from scolding or even lamenting my feelings, offered this:
"We love to celebrate life here..." <--sounds like some real process-oriented thinking. Don't just not-die... keep LIVING. ing ing ing
*as opposed to the "Stones and Bones!" tours that give plenty of chances to stick our heads in the sand...
Monday, February 20, 2012
The First Lie
It is my first day of Lent in the Holy Land but this forty day phase has been coming my whole life. I would bring you up to date but I think that would be counter-productive. I will have to make allusions as I go and shoot from the hip because...
The First Lie is the need to play catch-up.
Well meaning people have never tired of telling me that every moment is a new opportunity but the fundamental assumptions always remained intact: I believed that I should be achieving more at any given point in time. I was never clear quite how much but it must be more and, in order to get there, I needed to either be playing catch-up or getting ahead. As a child I was superlative at many things and avoided others. As an under-graduate, reality hit: I could not be superlative. This is a theme I have revisited repeatedly.
The truth all along is that God had a special place for me in the universe, just like She does for everyone else. Even knowing this cognitively, though, may not be enough to unravel the intuitive lie. I just read the last two chapters of a book called "The Four Agreements" that posits we are all under the oppression of the dysfunctional lies we tell ourselves. The author successfully places some Toltec teachings into a Christian theological framework -- frankly, he gets around the black-and-white issues and manages to zero-in on the nature of the disease itself: he calls it a bad dream, lies, The Parasite. As unnerving as it was to realize I was infested, it simultaneously has offered me Hope. Stowaways can be dumped over-board. Occupations can be shed ~ 'a shaking off' (Intifada)
...
Well, blog-spot glitched and cut my analysis. It's okay. I won't play catch-up with even that. The short story is that the author describes this demon as having two forms: the victim and the judge. As a victim, I blamed my environment. When that got me no where, I learned to be a harsh time-keeper in my own life. Sometimes I felt as if I had gotten ahead and I could afford to be lazy. Most times, I put myself under the stress of unknown standards.
Halas: Palestine is teaching me the truth. Work on Kairos time. There is not catching-up or getting ahead. There are relationships to build and things to do in the present. There are mistakes to learn from and plans to aim for but neither controls what happens in our bubble. Right here, right now. Granted, I still carry the heaviness of my regrets and wishes. That is why I am taking this Lent to get closer to God.
However, this demon comes with quite a few friends in tow. Stay-tuned...
The First Lie is the need to play catch-up.
Well meaning people have never tired of telling me that every moment is a new opportunity but the fundamental assumptions always remained intact: I believed that I should be achieving more at any given point in time. I was never clear quite how much but it must be more and, in order to get there, I needed to either be playing catch-up or getting ahead. As a child I was superlative at many things and avoided others. As an under-graduate, reality hit: I could not be superlative. This is a theme I have revisited repeatedly.
The truth all along is that God had a special place for me in the universe, just like She does for everyone else. Even knowing this cognitively, though, may not be enough to unravel the intuitive lie. I just read the last two chapters of a book called "The Four Agreements" that posits we are all under the oppression of the dysfunctional lies we tell ourselves. The author successfully places some Toltec teachings into a Christian theological framework -- frankly, he gets around the black-and-white issues and manages to zero-in on the nature of the disease itself: he calls it a bad dream, lies, The Parasite. As unnerving as it was to realize I was infested, it simultaneously has offered me Hope. Stowaways can be dumped over-board. Occupations can be shed ~ 'a shaking off' (Intifada)
...
Well, blog-spot glitched and cut my analysis. It's okay. I won't play catch-up with even that. The short story is that the author describes this demon as having two forms: the victim and the judge. As a victim, I blamed my environment. When that got me no where, I learned to be a harsh time-keeper in my own life. Sometimes I felt as if I had gotten ahead and I could afford to be lazy. Most times, I put myself under the stress of unknown standards.
Halas: Palestine is teaching me the truth. Work on Kairos time. There is not catching-up or getting ahead. There are relationships to build and things to do in the present. There are mistakes to learn from and plans to aim for but neither controls what happens in our bubble. Right here, right now. Granted, I still carry the heaviness of my regrets and wishes. That is why I am taking this Lent to get closer to God.
However, this demon comes with quite a few friends in tow. Stay-tuned...
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