The First Lie

It is my first day of Lent in the Holy Land but this forty day phase has been coming my whole life. I would bring you up to date but I think that would be counter-productive. I will have to make allusions as I go and shoot from the hip because...

The First Lie is the need to play catch-up.

Well meaning people have never tired of telling me that every moment is a new opportunity but the fundamental assumptions always remained intact: I believed that I should be achieving more at any given point in time. I was never clear quite how much but it must be more and, in order to get there, I needed to either be playing catch-up or getting ahead. As a child I was superlative at many things and avoided others. As an under-graduate, reality hit: I could not be superlative. This is a theme I have revisited repeatedly.

The truth all along is that God had a special place for me in the universe, just like She does for everyone else. Even knowing this cognitively, though, may not be enough to unravel the intuitive lie. I just read the last two chapters of a book called "The Four Agreements" that posits we are all under the oppression of the dysfunctional lies we tell ourselves. The author successfully places some Toltec teachings into a Christian theological framework -- frankly, he gets around the black-and-white issues and manages to zero-in on the nature of the disease itself: he calls it a bad dream, lies, The Parasite. As unnerving as it was to realize I was infested, it simultaneously has offered me Hope. Stowaways can be dumped over-board. Occupations can be shed ~ 'a shaking off' (Intifada)

...

Well, blog-spot glitched and cut my analysis. It's okay. I won't play catch-up with even that. The short story is that the author describes this demon as having two forms: the victim and the judge. As a victim, I blamed my environment. When that got me no where, I learned to be a harsh time-keeper in my own life. Sometimes I felt as if I had gotten ahead and I could afford to be lazy. Most times, I put myself under the stress of unknown standards.

Halas: Palestine is teaching me the truth. Work on Kairos time. There is not catching-up or getting ahead. There are relationships to build and things to do in the present. There are mistakes to learn from and plans to aim for but neither controls what happens in our bubble. Right here, right now. Granted, I still carry the heaviness of my regrets and wishes. That is why I am taking this Lent to get closer to God.

However, this demon comes with quite a few friends in tow. Stay-tuned...