Dying Hard... and Ressurection?

Lately, I feel like I am coming to the depth of my disjointedness. To say so is both to be highly critical of myself and to be an optimist at the same time. If I am at a peak, that means I have been digging my own hole at a good pace for too long yet, if this is as bad as I let it get, I should be climbing out again. Maybe I'm not nearly as disjointed as I think-- just looking for an upward turning point.

Blogging used to be a daily habit. I downright abused the right for a long time-- then broke myself of it. Now, I feel a bit 'stiff' in this medium. I hate that I'm about to use the word "blogosphere" but...

...the blogosphere was my place to go, before I lowered myself to looking at YouTube clips (and worse, sadly) or surfing facebook or other 'fun' sites. I used to sit down, every day, and write myself in circles in brassknight86, my LiveJournal space. There, I went to the extravagence of inventing some companions for myself~ I recycled Frank the Goat, created a vegan dragon named Bruce and, last but not least, summoned a fat ninja named Fuko (foo-ko). In the early months of my usage I reflected on the meaning of my days, which gradually decayed into a sort of abysmal internal search for a "cure". Perhaps I needed an answer to being myself~ what it was and why it always seemed to feel wrong. Later came the vent entries, including a period when I alienated my readership with masked indictments of an ex-girlfriend (who still deserved it-- but I deserved better than to see myself do it, didn't I? It was a waste of energy...)

Finally came the combination that dealt my blogging a fatal blow-- a more external orientation to the world and a laundry list of new 'bad habits'. I picked less participatory ways to procrastinate. Browsing but never reading. Posting but never writing. Replacing the TV I don't have with vids. I made more friends, which is good; many good things have happened. At the same time, my self-awareness is collapsed. Dark spaces have grown up in me since the days of total disclosure.

A book I am reading for class reminded me of this-- two characters are living in an apartment where they have created "nothing" spaces where they can have privacy. They are there but no one looks at them. It's supposed to make living easier...

...it makes living have no meaning, for one of them. He leaves. In his wake, a true nothing surfaces.

So, I want to ressurect some nothing spaces. I don't want to live in "nothing" space. To what end will I ressurect blogging? I do not know. I'm not satisfied with my content. On the other hand, I've denied myself of the process for quite some time. Therefore, I leave you my fragments, reader