New Year Tomorrow

I do not believe I have made the effort to describe my therapist to you, my readers. Setting aside that I have not taken time to journal very much at all, I think that you are missing a color from the palette of my life.
My therapist is a serious African American man in his early thirties who works from an office on the third floor of a hospital building on Lafayette street. Other than being older, darker and clean shaving (literally, his entire head), he appears to be just like me—same height and build. On the inside, we may be a little different (or more than a little). My more liberal, Christian friends tend to believe that I should quietly seek a different Christian counselor but a local non-profit is paying and I am interested to learn all I can from this man. He's conservative but very caring; I need the exposure to break my prejudices.
Dr. L Forrest noted to me this past Friday that the Jewish Holiday of "Rosh Hashanah" was to occur soon—about forty minutes from when I write this sentence. This is the Jewish New Year; I decided to do some light reading about the holiday. The date begins a ten-day period of introspection and repentance that ends in Yom Kippur. I was pleased to note that blowing a shofar was integral to the celebration, since I am a horn blower in my own ways. In any case (since links are provided), my therapist certainly assigns more ceremonial significance to the day than I have, having never heard of it, but I hate to dismiss the opportunity to make such a seemingly-ordained intra-psychic transition. In plain words, I think the Real Spirit can intercede at an opportune moment. When Dr. Forrest suggested that I use this time to make some spiritual goals//resolutions, I was receptive. I have often found myself coming to the precipice of a life transition, furtively glancing at my watch for some significance. Today, I nearly missed my opportunity during my lunch-time "pace" around the block. "Nine seven ten... that doesn't make any sense. Wait... waaaait... tomorrow is that Jewish New Year. There we go."

I don't mean to make light of the day, just my tendency to look for a silly convergence like that: evidence that this transition is indeed ordained. I spent all lunch time in a fog about the future—how I would become a creative writer, an educator, a family person, a pink elephant, a Man of God (wait, was I trying to be one too many things?). My need to knead such multifarious elements together has long frustrated my desire for perfection—and it is a pregnant subject. I have conversed with God, half stewed for the better part of an hour as I worked my way around the corner of Straight and Chatham three times. To distill that conversation, I knew that I needed to have a regimen... but I decided that having a plan was the worst thing I could do. I am under considerable pressure from myself and extended family to have a plan. My best efforts to have such a plan have always backfired and left me worse for wear... regrettably, much worse than if I had winged-it~ the irony, of course, is that I am supposed to be Christian and Jesus very clearly told us to wing-it. "Today's worries are enough for today...". He didn't say live recklessly... without any principles. He said don't count those chickens before they hatch (well... that's a paraphrase). I am winging this entry but I'm going to take the opportunity to tie-back to Rosh Hashanah: that holiday is meant to be a ten-day plan for atonement. It may be no mistake (and skeptics bare with me, I mean you no offense) that this morning's devotional mentioned the torn curtain from after the crucifixion—symbolically indicating that we need not stand on ceremony to seek that atonement. Yet, that is a digression...

I know many of these things, cognitively. Transforming them from conscious to intuitive is like trying to wrangle a walrus coated in cheap massage oil. Perhaps a seal or otter—cuter image. Too often, I have tried to solve the problem with itself; meaning, I have failed to see that my constant 'strategizing' is partially responsible for the knots I am tied-in... yet I am forever plotting that winning strategy. Even now, I am feeling a little frustrated by the passage of time: what makes this entry worth my attention as opposed to a story or a phone call? Thus, I am remain divided and do neither...

What I need for spiritual goals are simple principles—simple enough that I can either do or not do them. Co-dependent principles: I either do them all or none. Over-simplification? Of course! But I am in the habit of over-thinking, according to my sister. So, I got-out a post-it note and, after a brief prayer, came-up with my spiritual goals:

2. A sustained thoughtful reading of the Bible {I realized I haven't attempted such a thing in ten years—my perspective has changed sufficiently to justify such a reading}

2. Live in Trust; rest in God; let goi of time {easier said than done, but huge}

2. Speak-out in Faith and without doubt {I need a lot of the first two before I can do this well}

1. Stay in frequent communication with God and do not be discouraged {Love the Lord your God...}

1. Love all. {Love your neighbor}

Some part of me wants to apologize for being so transparent. Another, to state defiantly that I do believe as I do. However, I am simply saying that this is where I am: my Rosh Hashanah goals... or my Torn Curtain Goals, if I can't get it together in ten days. I think I can, with help.

Edit-- see my continuing thoughts as the clock strikes midnight but the journaling carries on.