Windy Days

I am still doing fine; as the band Switchfoot once said, I want "more than fine". I'm feeling my restlessness again. It may be the only feeling that is a sufficient condition for my journaling. I've certainly had many things I could have mentioned-- yet, it is restlessness that motivates me to blog.
I need a commission to come my way, fast. My girlfriend is "encouraging" me to apply to the camp she works at and that's fine-- for a short-term commitment. I know that it can be good for me. It comes into my thoughts intermittently during the day-- the prospect of being out-doors more, of being forced into a role-model position, of being free of technological encumbrances. It will all end, though. That will be it-- nine weeks or so. Then what? Another X number of years of drifting around spiritually. I fell away... but I fell softly away. I hate that. I hate when separation is like falling into a fluffy couch or warm water or whatever. I hate how I have trouble feeling where I am spiritually. Everyone knows that truly spiritual experiences are complicated and end up bringing us challenges. If they don't admit they know, some part of them does. I wonder if that same part of me is putting up a block or if I am just in an easy place.
What can I do to get out of here? Maybe this is a natural feeling-- God's way of keeping me from being satisfied. The problem is it's the worst test there is for me... to let me fall away softly like I have in the past. Women. Small successes. Luxury items. That's why I don't brag about the car-- I'm afraid of what it means. Yes, I have a nice little car. I'm already starting to splurge on it in little ways. Booze. Maybe I was happier when I had quit it. Then, I never had to wonder about it. Not at all-- it just wasn't there. It wasn't helping or hurting or providing anything. It was just not there.

I am seeing how people give up on being spiritual individuals. This is annoying-- it is annoying because I have to be forgiving of people for settling for less-- I have to admit that I have been there in my adult life. That I have just let lax, at times, too. This annoys me-- it annoys me that my intense spiritual experiences are memories and I don't know where to get more, necessarily. It annoys me that I am positioned to be loved and comfortable. I'm annoyed.

Obviously, I am also very confused right now. I've quit the medicine. It just wasn't getting me anywhere forward. It keeps you steady, where you are. Sometimes I don't WANT to be steady. I wanted everyone to believe I was sane for so long and now... I just want to be crazy. This time, I want to be crazy and not care what anyone thinks except the Divine. I want to be good crazy~ not depressed, of course. I want to undertake a journey and actually make the RIGHT turn when the fork in the road comes.

I remember this frustration with journaling right before I weaned off and quit. I hope I'm headed in reverse; I want to think I'm fighting back this time. That instead of settling down into nothing I am going forward into a chaotic something. This medium might be insufficient but... I still have it. It's still here, to draw from. To vent in.